I made sure to clean the semen off the hardwood floor.

I wrote this 5 months ago, when I was in a darker place. Dug it up and figured I’d publish it on here. Some vital (and very personal) details missing/edited out. I can't tell ya everything!

9:00 pm- November 21 2012- night before thanksgiving on a plane headed to a mysterious location in the tropical South.

It’s been a few months since my first amateur porn scene in New York City. I suppose if I were a proper lady, I'd write a horrifying tale of shame and regret, perhaps I've become a born again Christian? Alas, no such luck, sorry mom. It was a fabulous experience; one that I'd had hundreds of times in the past, except without the money, self-respect, and sense of control. When I was 18 and fucking bartenders for the thrill of free drinks and attention, I was whoring myself, but never woke up feeling any sort of "empowerment." Waking up typically consisted of frantic searchers for Ibuprofen & Gatorade, followed by the typical call to my friend Stephanie. "Hey...yeah SO hungover. You too? Yeah, mimosas for breakfast. See ya in 45 minutes". Wash, rinse, repeat. We had a great time, but I could have done without the occasional bouts of loneliness and disgust; the sad realization that you are in fact just a fuck. I was just messed up in the head at the time.

So, fast forward 7 years later to my friend’s tiny Manhattan apartment. He was gone for the weekend and gave me the keys. I told him that I'd take care of the place, and I did. I made sure to clean the semen off the hardwood floor. Fucking two guys on camera was easier than I thought it would be.  Easy, (mostly) sober, condoms without question, two very polite and well-mannered gentlemen, and a sense of control. 

Control. Also, a decent product. I made a bunch of money, and I went home. If only I knew back then what I know now. If only. What a waste of young, fresh pussy. 

I started camming with a small assortment of other females. Busty red heads, curvy blondes, bombshell brunettes. It's not as hot as it sounds. They were all mostly straight. Most girls can't measure up to the lesbian round-assed lunatic that I used to webcam with. Was that ass worth the headaches, last minute cancellations, and risk of murder? Eh, I'm still not sure.

The next step- I made a performer twitter accout. Within months, I had 3,000 followers. I had a cheesy porn name. I spent a weekend camming from a porn convention. A cam site paid for my weekend pass and gave me $300, just to hang out (clothed) at their booth. Do you know how much data entry I'd have to do at school to make $300?! Approximately 3.5 week's worth. Does that put my life into perspective?

I also struggled through the semester, detesting the university more and more with the pass of each long, mind-melting day. Bored as shit, and suddenly falling behind as a result. Suddenly, I was the problem student. There were meetings held, questions asked. Was I okay? Was I on drugs? Nope, just no longer happy with what I was doing.

The weeks crawled by, and here I am. I'm flying to see my buddies for 4 days of a thanksgiving break, a trip that I booked a week ago. With tears running down my face and a martini in hand, I'd decided that I needed another vacation.

Travel can exhaust the body, so one must be sure to load up on Vitamin C. Screwdriver in hand...check.   I also had McDonalds at the airport, so there's my protein for the week. For the record, I never drink screw drivers at home. I adore them on planes, no other cocktail would be suitable.

Follow up, April 30: I ended up leaving that mind-melting academic program, and am moving on to better things. Well, better for me, at least. I’m still camming, more than ever. I’m still not settled, but I believe that I’m getting there. Maybe one day. Honestly, the money is great. My plans for the future are better than I’d ever hoped for. It’s only the loneliness that takes a toll. Sometimes. And so it goes…

Cam-Speak. How to Decipher What Your Potential Clients Are Saying

There are many codes and abbreviations in Webcam Land. Below, you will find a helpful key to help you navigate this strange territory. I've also added a list of many things that I've heard from potential clients over the years, and the (not so secret) meaning behind these statements. Enjoy!

BB- This is a notorious one. If you've worked as a cam girl for more than 20 minutes, you've no doubt been called "bb." Hey guys, if you're reading this, a helpful tip- I'VE NEVER EVER MET A CAM GIRL THAT IS OKAY WITH BEING CALLED BB. For those of you who don't have the pleasure of living in Webcam Land, "bb" is short for "baby." It's what lazy mother fuckers who can't be bothered to type out an entire word call cam girls.

Pvt- Short for "private," meaning a private show. Often times, guys will write something like "bb you do pvts?" Depending on the format of the site that you work on and whether or not you also do shows on Skype, this may mean a variety of things. Basically, the guy wants to remove you from the cam room and get a one on one show. More often than not, it also means he just wants to waste your time and negotiate your rates. It may also mean that he doesn't want to pay the extra rate for tokens, and wants to pay you in paypal, or 'pp." That's next.

PP- Paypal. Also notorious in Webcam Land. Ok before explaining paypal, I should start by explaining "tokens," and the way in which cam girls get tipped. Typically, guys buy a package from a cam site, and the site really fucks these guys in the ass. For example, a guy will pay $90 for a package of 900 tokens, but to a cam girl, those 900 tokens are only worth $45. Obviously the site needs and deserves a portion of earnings, since they're providing the traffic for us. But it's usually around 50 percent, and that's a BIG cut. One thing that I'm often asked is "don't you get ripped off? The site takes so much of your money!" but the answer is- no. I don't get ripped off, the guys do. It's sort of like the principal of inflation, girls will charge for the amount that they get for the tokens. For example, if I set a goal of "topless at $50," then that goal is going to reflect what $50 means for me, not what the guy spent. So the guy swallows the costs up front, and that's just how it is. Sucks for the guys, not so much for the girls. Understandably, many guys don't want to shell out that much money, only to have 50 percent of it be of any use. Enter Paypal. Guys LOVE using Paypal to purchase private shows and videos because the girl gets every cent, and it saves the guy money. It's a fast and easy way to transfer and receive money, so most cam girls like it too. The problem with this is that Paypal is fucking puritanical and the use of it for adult transactions is against their terms of service. It's not hard to get around this, but ladies, be careful. You don't want to get your money frozen.

C2C- Cam to cam. This means that the guy will view your cam and you will view his. Lucky you.

Open bobs- A strange way of saying "show me your breasts." Essentially, it's "open boobs," but guys are either idiots and can't spell, or they're all using google translator. I see this phrase time and time again, so I assume that it's a google translator issue.

You do K9?- The sick pervert is asking if you fuck dogs on camera. Instant BAN from room.

Amazon??- The guy is asking if you accept Amazon gift cards as payment. Again, it's for the same reason as why guys like to use Paypal, but thankfully Amazon doesn't hate whores. I often accept Amazon cards from regulars, and use them to buy household things, groceries, etc.

One thing that's annoying about many cam clients is that they have the bad habit of writing one word sentences. I guess it's laziness, or perhaps the other hand is busy. It's like these dudes can't write a complete fucking sentence to save their lives. "Anal?" Geez, can't they take the time to write out "do you do anal in your show?" A little bit goes a long way.

Ok, so that's a brief key to cam-girl-speak. Hopefully you can learn the language before you visit Webcam Land.

Now here are some common things that guy will say to a cam girl, watch out for these:

"Baby, flash first and then I'll tip. Show asshole first and then I give a tip." 
My response? Fuck off.

"Baby I need to see you naked before I decide to pay. Need to see if it's worth it." 
My response? You're a cheap mother fucker. Go away.

PAY TO PLAY, FOOLS! (I only flash and show AFTER getting tipped. Every cam girl has to do what's comfortable for HER, so I'm not insinuating that my way is the only way. This just happens to be the way that I run my business. No judgment for girls who do it differently. There's lots of room for variation in Webcam Land!)

After telling a guy my rate (I charge per minute for Skype shows), many will try to negotiate. I always remind guys that I don't negotiate. Just don't do it guys, it's insulting.

A personal favorite of mine-
"Baby I bought 15 minutes and came in 6. Can I use the other 9 minutes for another show?" 
My lovely response- I'm sorry, no you cannot. I don't offer a roll-over minute plan. You may want to try Verizon next time.

"Baby call me on Skype, just so I can see your cam quality. Quick flash?"
My response- NO NO NO. TIME WASTER ALERT!

Learn how to weed out the time-waters quickly and you will increase your profits.

"Baby I like you so much. You're so beautiful. Can't we just talk for free? I want to get to know you."
My response- none. This is an instant BAN.

"Baby you're too smart and pretty to do this kind of work." 
My response- Yeah? Are you offering to pay all of my bills for me? Then, BAN! Idiots.

That's all for today, friends. As always, wishing you safe travels in Webcam Land!

Cam Girl Bloopers- HIDE THAT TAMPON STRING BB!

Generally, cam girls get paid to be sexy, to turn on, tantalize, to titillate. Oooh I love that word...titillate. Makes my nipples hard...*starts pulling on them, softly* Don't you want to put your lips on those soft nipples baby? Mmmm yeah...that's it baby....
Oh shit, I'm not at work. Sorry...sometimes I slip into cam-girl-mode. SNAP OUT OF IT!

Anyways, back to the job description. I go to great lengths to make sure my hair looks somewhat decent (I could do a better job with my hair. I try to at least run a comb through it once a day). I usually have my eye brows waxed, or at least plucked between waxes. I love expensive make-up, so this is usually in working order. I also make an effort to get my nails done every 2-3 weeks. So, I fucking try, a little bit. And don't be fooled into thinking that going to the salon is a pleasant, relaxing experience. It is not. I don't understand girls who are all like "oooh off to the salon for a mani!!!" as if that shit is fun? Do YOU enjoy getting your cuticles scraped off? Some stranger being too rough with your nails, asking you if you also want a pedicure (even though you've already specified NO), because obviously your toenails look like shit? Oh and the eyebrow waxing. Yes, because women LOVE getting hair ripped out of their faces. "Miss do you want your lip done too?" What...the...fuck.

So, there's a considerable amount of work that goes into looking pretty behind the camera, and I go to these lengths. I know what you're thinking, "women shouldn't have to need those things, you're an evil agent of patriarchy!! BLAH BLAH BLAH" Shut the fuck up. Once you pay my bills, you get the right to tell me what's "acceptable" for my job.

So, there it is. Part of the job is being hot, sexy, sultry, alluring, whatever. One has to also act the part, speak the part, OOZE sex appeal (and other things). That's what we get paid for, isn't it? People will also say that we get paid for our conversation and our personality. To some extent, I agree with this. BUT, an unkempt sloppy cam model with a shining personality still won't make as much as a hot model with a decent personality. Maybe I'm wrong and you can hate me for it, but I think I'm right. Sex sells, beauty sells, welcome to the USA. I didn't write the book, I just try to abide by the rules in order to make a fat paycheck.

But, we can't be sexy ALL OF THE TIME, right? Shit happens (quite literally girlfriend, if you don't use an enema before that anal scene, so get that ass prepped!), and it ain't always pretty. I want to take a few minutes to talk about "cam girl bloopers," and I hope that some of you can relate, and perhaps I'll get a few laughs and nods of empathy.

The following is a list of things that have gone wrong while I'm on camera, all over the past 4 years. I'm sure there are plenty more, but memory sometimes fails.

• TAMPON STRINGS. I'm bleeding from the vag right now, so this is the first that comes to mind. I refuse to not work for 4-5 consecutive days out of each month, so I have found ways to manage the tampon string. Unfortunately, these "ways" aren't very savvy or effective. What I normally do when I want to work but have my period is shove the string aaaaaaaaaall the way up my pussy. I put my finger in (hopefully it's not a freshly manicured finger!) and just shove. Then, I open my lips up in front of the mirror and inspect. If I don't see any white I'm okay. I know there are better ways to do this, little cups and all that, but these devices scare me. Actually, if anyone has any input on these devices, I'd love to hear them. I remember one night when I wanted to strip (yes, at a strip club) but just couldn't risk the tampon string disaster. For some reason, it seems like an acceptable blooper on camera, but not in real life. Anyways, the blooper is that sometimes, despite all my shoving, they end up hanging out during a show. Oops. Pretend it's cum and move on. Most guys won't know the difference. 
• BITS OF TOILET PAPER. Yup...I wipe vigorously. Sometimes, I spread open for the camera and there's tiny bits of white. Just like with the tampon string, pretend it's some cum and move on. Quickly wipe it away and act like nothing happened. Most guys won't even know the difference. 
• QUEEFING. This only happened to me once or twice years ago, when I was regularly on camera with a guy. He throws my legs up into that weird position that feels SO GOOD but also gets some air trapped up there, and well, you know the rest. Whatever.
• COMMERCIAL BREAKS. I often play music from Pandora or Spotify when I'm on cam, usually during a strip tease show. It's always funny when the random McDonalds commercial comes on (insert fat joke here. god I hate some of these idiots in my chat), or better yet, the one that says "what do you want people to see when they search for you online?" That seriously happened. I was in the middle of a dildo show, and the music stopped, and a very serious-sounding man asked that question. I burst out laughing, and luckily, so did the guy who paid for the show.
• SWEATING. Yeah, sometimes pretty girls sweat. Make up runs, get a little extra face powder. 
• FALLING: Off the bed, falling in platform heels, falling and getting injured. Live on camera. This happens. Falling off of the pole at the strip club right on stage and busting your knee open. Mortifying, get back up and keep getting those dolla dolla bills. People will usually tip you more after an injury, something about them feeling bad. Play the sympathy card. 
• WIG DISASTERS. This deserves an article of its own. Nothing looks worse than a wig that's sliding backwards off of the head, like a 50 year old man's receding hair line. Yuck. And, there's usually sweat to accompany that. The price to be paid for partial anonymity.
• ERECTILE DYSFUNCTIONS. This only applies when I'm working with a male partner on camera. I've dealt with this quite a few times. Nervousness, inability to stay hard, inability to cum. Solution- fake it 'till you make it. I hate to admit this, but I've done PLENTY of shows doggy style, where the guy isn't even inside of me. He's just thrusting away....at the air. But if you position the camera just right, the viewer can't tell. If the viewer asks to see insertion/a different angle, just pretend that you are SO into the show that you can't be bothered to read the screen. You didn't see his request until after! Oops! By then, the viewer has already cum and moved on, so he doesn't care. This advice can apply to SO many other things in Webcam Land. If you're too sore to keep fucking that dildo, just position it SLIIIIIIIIIIGHTLY off camera, but keep moaning and thrusting your arm. Yup, the evil tricks and ways to cheat the client. Don't act like you've never done it. 
• UNCONVINCING FAKE ORGASMS. I've only been called out on this a few times in all of 4 years. Tell the guy that he's an idiot and doesn't know how real women orgasm, and move on. In reality, this guy is probably amazing in bed and can actually spot a fake orgasm. +10 points for him. But, if he's publicly trying to fuck up your business, then you must destroy his credibility and shame him. That's just how it works. The other 1000 guys in the room were happy, so fuck it. (I'm speaking mostly in terms of public cum shows here. A guy in a private show would probably never accuse a girl of faking it). 

This is only the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more shit that goes wrong during cam shows, but I don't want to bore you with a wall of text, so perhaps it's better that I break this up into several smaller articles. Stay tuned for more. Comments & hate mail always welcome.

*Smut Princess 

Things That Make My Cunt Angry

Adventures in Webcam Land aren't always all laughter, lubricant, and orgasms. Sometimes my cunt gets angry at my clients, and let me tell you about the shit that gets it pissed the fuck off. Here's a short, but continuously growing, list:

My cunt gets mad when you tell it to take something that's way too big for it. A zucchini. The head of my hitachi. The large end of the hair brush (are you fucking serious, idiot?). A wine bottle (again, the bottom). Unacceptable.

My cunt gets mad when you tell it how it likes to cum. "Put the hitachi on high speed the whole time." No, mother fucker, do you want me to burn my clit right off? You probably do. You'd probably pay to see that, and you wouldn't give a shit that it hurt.

My cunt gets mad when I've just started a private show and you want it to come out to play. Literally, within 3 seconds of beginning the show. Whoa, buddy, slow down. Don't you think I at least deserve to make 40 cents before I whip it out?

My cunt gets mad when you tell it what to wear.

My cunt gets mad when you tell it how to do its hair. No, I didn't mean for that to rhyme, it just happened. But really, I don't give a shit how you like it. Sometimes I'm shaved, sometimes I'm lazy aka furry.

My cunt gets mad when you tell me to shove my dildo in and it's not properly lubricated yet. Clearly, you've never been with a real woman. Thank god for the interwebs, right buddy?

Adventures in Cam Land- Let the Journey Begin

I'm a full time webcam whore. In the land of cam whores, full time is usually never more than 15-20 hours per week. I can't fathom the amount of vaginal restorative creams it would take to get me through much more than that.

Quick breakdown of my weekly activities:

5-6 nights per week live on cam. Sometimes I go for an hour or so in the afternoon, but I'm usually on in the evenings, anywhere from 1-4 hours at a time.

Time spent "live on cam" usually means teasing in my chat room, trying to bait customers into buying private shows (or pvts, as they're called. I'll make a key soon. Lots of annoying abbreviations, bb), selling naughty videos, and chatting (always in hopes of making more money).

Time spent working "off cam" usually means tweeting in support of my work, advertising, and the occasional Skype chat with a regular client. Other "off cam" work-related activities include getting manicures, pedicures, waxes, shopping for lingerie, and creeping other model's rooms to see how they're making the big bucks.

Also, responding to emails. Running to the post office to mail off used panties, socks, or whatever other fetish items were purchased.

So, that's basically it. Why do I do it? Well, it pays really well, it's simple enough (Note- THIS DOES NOT MEAN IT'S EASY), and it's been a great way to pay for graduate school. I enjoy making my own hours and I don't like having a boss.

I've worked as a cam whore for almost 4 years, and I've got some damn good stories to tell. So, here I am. Enjoy, bb. ;)