Oh shit, I'm not at work. Sorry...sometimes I slip into cam-girl-mode. SNAP OUT OF IT!
Anyways, back to the job description. I go to great lengths to make sure my hair looks somewhat decent (I could do a better job with my hair. I try to at least run a comb through it once a day). I usually have my eye brows waxed, or at least plucked between waxes. I love expensive make-up, so this is usually in working order. I also make an effort to get my nails done every 2-3 weeks. So, I fucking try, a little bit. And don't be fooled into thinking that going to the salon is a pleasant, relaxing experience. It is not. I don't understand girls who are all like "oooh off to the salon for a mani!!!" as if that shit is fun? Do YOU enjoy getting your cuticles scraped off? Some stranger being too rough with your nails, asking you if you also want a pedicure (even though you've already specified NO), because obviously your toenails look like shit? Oh and the eyebrow waxing. Yes, because women LOVE getting hair ripped out of their faces. "Miss do you want your lip done too?" What...the...fuck.
So, there's a considerable amount of work that goes into looking pretty behind the camera, and I go to these lengths. I know what you're thinking, "women shouldn't have to need those things, you're an evil agent of patriarchy!! BLAH BLAH BLAH" Shut the fuck up. Once you pay my bills, you get the right to tell me what's "acceptable" for my job.
So, there it is. Part of the job is being hot, sexy, sultry, alluring, whatever. One has to also act the part, speak the part, OOZE sex appeal (and other things). That's what we get paid for, isn't it? People will also say that we get paid for our conversation and our personality. To some extent, I agree with this. BUT, an unkempt sloppy cam model with a shining personality still won't make as much as a hot model with a decent personality. Maybe I'm wrong and you can hate me for it, but I think I'm right. Sex sells, beauty sells, welcome to the USA. I didn't write the book, I just try to abide by the rules in order to make a fat paycheck.
But, we can't be sexy ALL OF THE TIME, right? Shit happens (quite literally girlfriend, if you don't use an enema before that anal scene, so get that ass prepped!), and it ain't always pretty. I want to take a few minutes to talk about "cam girl bloopers," and I hope that some of you can relate, and perhaps I'll get a few laughs and nods of empathy.
The following is a list of things that have gone wrong while I'm on camera, all over the past 4 years. I'm sure there are plenty more, but memory sometimes fails.
- TAMPON STRINGS. I'm bleeding from the vag right now, so this is the first that comes to mind. I refuse to not work for 4-5 consecutive days out of each month, so I have found ways to manage the tampon string. Unfortunately, these "ways" aren't very savvy or effective. What I normally do when I want to work but have my period is shove the string aaaaaaaaaall the way up my pussy. I put my finger in (hopefully it's not a freshly manicured finger!) and just shove. Then, I open my lips up in front of the mirror and inspect. If I don't see any white I'm okay. I know there are better ways to do this, little cups and all that, but these devices scare me. Actually, if anyone has any input on these devices, I'd love to hear them. I remember one night when I wanted to strip (yes, at a strip club) but just couldn't risk the tampon string disaster. For some reason, it seems like an acceptable blooper on camera, but not in real life. Anyways, the blooper is that sometimes, despite all my shoving, they end up hanging out during a show. Oops. Pretend it's cum and move on. Most guys won't know the difference.
- BITS OF TOILET PAPER. Yup...I wipe vigorously. Sometimes, I spread open for the camera and there's tiny bits of white. Just like with the tampon string, pretend it's some cum and move on. Quickly wipe it away and act like nothing happened. Most guys won't even know the difference.
- QUEEFING. This only happened to me once or twice years ago, when I was regularly on camera with a guy. He throws my legs up into that weird position that feels SO GOOD but also gets some air trapped up there, and well, you know the rest. Whatever.
- COMMERCIAL BREAKS. I often play music from Pandora or Spotify when I'm on cam, usually during a strip tease show. It's always funny when the random McDonalds commercial comes on (insert fat joke here. god I hate some of these idiots in my chat), or better yet, the one that says "what do you want people to see when they search for you online?" That seriously happened. I was in the middle of a dildo show, and the music stopped, and a very serious-sounding man asked that question. I burst out laughing, and luckily, so did the guy who paid for the show.
- SWEATING. Yeah, sometimes pretty girls sweat. Make up runs, get a little extra face powder.
- FALLING: Off the bed, falling in platform heels, falling and getting injured. Live on camera. This happens. Falling off of the pole at the strip club right on stage and busting your knee open. Mortifying, get back up and keep getting those dolla dolla bills. People will usually tip you more after an injury, something about them feeling bad. Play the sympathy card.
- WIG DISASTERS. This deserves an article of its own. Nothing looks worse than a wig that's sliding backwards off of the head, like a 50 year old man's receding hair line. Yuck. And, there's usually sweat to accompany that. The price to be paid for partial anonymity.
- ERECTILE DYSFUNCTIONS. This only applies when I'm working with a male partner on camera. I've dealt with this quite a few times. Nervousness, inability to stay hard, inability to cum. Solution- fake it 'till you make it. I hate to admit this, but I've done PLENTY of shows doggy style, where the guy isn't even inside of me. He's just thrusting away....at the air. But if you position the camera just right, the viewer can't tell. If the viewer asks to see insertion/a different angle, just pretend that you are SO into the show that you can't be bothered to read the screen. You didn't see his request until after! Oops! By then, the viewer has already cum and moved on, so he doesn't care. This advice can apply to SO many other things in Webcam Land. If you're too sore to keep fucking that dildo, just position it SLIIIIIIIIIIGHTLY off camera, but keep moaning and thrusting your arm. Yup, the evil tricks and ways to cheat the client. Don't act like you've never done it.
- UNCONVINCING FAKE ORGASMS. I've only been called out on this a few times in all of 4 years. Tell the guy that he's an idiot and doesn't know how real women orgasm, and move on. In reality, this guy is probably amazing in bed and can actually spot a fake orgasm. +10 points for him. But, if he's publicly trying to fuck up your business, then you must destroy his credibility and shame him. That's just how it works. The other 1000 guys in the room were happy, so fuck it. (I'm speaking mostly in terms of public cum shows here. A guy in a private show would probably never accuse a girl of faking it).
*Smut Princess
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