I made sure to clean the semen off the hardwood floor.

I wrote this 5 months ago, when I was in a darker place. Dug it up and figured I’d publish it on here. Some vital (and very personal) details missing/edited out. I can't tell ya everything!

9:00 pm- November 21 2012- night before thanksgiving on a plane headed to a mysterious location in the tropical South.

It’s been a few months since my first amateur porn scene in New York City. I suppose if I were a proper lady, I'd write a horrifying tale of shame and regret, perhaps I've become a born again Christian? Alas, no such luck, sorry mom. It was a fabulous experience; one that I'd had hundreds of times in the past, except without the money, self-respect, and sense of control. When I was 18 and fucking bartenders for the thrill of free drinks and attention, I was whoring myself, but never woke up feeling any sort of "empowerment." Waking up typically consisted of frantic searchers for Ibuprofen & Gatorade, followed by the typical call to my friend Stephanie. "Hey...yeah SO hungover. You too? Yeah, mimosas for breakfast. See ya in 45 minutes". Wash, rinse, repeat. We had a great time, but I could have done without the occasional bouts of loneliness and disgust; the sad realization that you are in fact just a fuck. I was just messed up in the head at the time.

So, fast forward 7 years later to my friend’s tiny Manhattan apartment. He was gone for the weekend and gave me the keys. I told him that I'd take care of the place, and I did. I made sure to clean the semen off the hardwood floor. Fucking two guys on camera was easier than I thought it would be.  Easy, (mostly) sober, condoms without question, two very polite and well-mannered gentlemen, and a sense of control. 

Control. Also, a decent product. I made a bunch of money, and I went home. If only I knew back then what I know now. If only. What a waste of young, fresh pussy. 

I started camming with a small assortment of other females. Busty red heads, curvy blondes, bombshell brunettes. It's not as hot as it sounds. They were all mostly straight. Most girls can't measure up to the lesbian round-assed lunatic that I used to webcam with. Was that ass worth the headaches, last minute cancellations, and risk of murder? Eh, I'm still not sure.

The next step- I made a performer twitter accout. Within months, I had 3,000 followers. I had a cheesy porn name. I spent a weekend camming from a porn convention. A cam site paid for my weekend pass and gave me $300, just to hang out (clothed) at their booth. Do you know how much data entry I'd have to do at school to make $300?! Approximately 3.5 week's worth. Does that put my life into perspective?

I also struggled through the semester, detesting the university more and more with the pass of each long, mind-melting day. Bored as shit, and suddenly falling behind as a result. Suddenly, I was the problem student. There were meetings held, questions asked. Was I okay? Was I on drugs? Nope, just no longer happy with what I was doing.

The weeks crawled by, and here I am. I'm flying to see my buddies for 4 days of a thanksgiving break, a trip that I booked a week ago. With tears running down my face and a martini in hand, I'd decided that I needed another vacation.

Travel can exhaust the body, so one must be sure to load up on Vitamin C. Screwdriver in hand...check.   I also had McDonalds at the airport, so there's my protein for the week. For the record, I never drink screw drivers at home. I adore them on planes, no other cocktail would be suitable.

Follow up, April 30: I ended up leaving that mind-melting academic program, and am moving on to better things. Well, better for me, at least. I’m still camming, more than ever. I’m still not settled, but I believe that I’m getting there. Maybe one day. Honestly, the money is great. My plans for the future are better than I’d ever hoped for. It’s only the loneliness that takes a toll. Sometimes. And so it goes…